JAN 15 VICTORIA SHOULD KEEP HER SECRETS TO HERSELF

Yesterday was an interesting albeit tiring day. Drove out to Los Angeles for an auction and stayed approximately 15 minutes. Cool stuff just nothing for me. Erin and I decided to take the rest of the day off and do some shopping. Found her perfect glasses at Walmart believe it or not. When did fashion become so homogeneous? Not that its bad but every store had the same hipster dark clothes. All glasses are square and black and boots are everywhere. Urban "decay" oops Outfitters have taken over the world. Its the Internet I tell you.
Well the most interesting venture began in Victoria Secrets. This is a store I rarely visit. I am afraid of this store. They are masters at sucking as much money from you as possible. Back in the day my husband went to buy me a "fancy" bra for Christmas. He left with 3 bags of assorted bras and panties . Grand total of $200 worth of lingerie. Mind you this was almost 20 years ago. Alot of lacey bras. Too many itchy lacey bras. You know the pitch. You buy 1 bra you get half the price off of another. 2 bras will get you a free bra and if you want panties you can purchase 3 pair for the price of 2 but if you buy 4 pair you will get 2 pair free and they will donate a free bra to some poor African woman that has no need for a itchy lacy bra. Plus a coupon for half off of your next purchase.
I should have been born African. I hate bras. They are the work of the devil I tell you. Growing up I was never endowed. Finally reaching a barely filled "B" cup in my 20s . When i had Erin I grew to an almost filled "C" cup. Ive always worn sports bras or some equivalent. Underwires were invented by some cruel woman hating man as well as lace covering. I know it.
Things have changed however as things always seem to do and I now have breasts. Truthfully they are overrated. The power they hold amazes me. What gravity and age does to them is horrific. Any ways back to my story . As we are attending Mardi Gras this year my disgusting pig man husband decided I needed a "Mardi-Bra" . He has been teasing me incessantly. Remember i have breasts now albeit a bit droopy but they do exist.
Walking by Victoria secrets I decide to give it a chance. Erin is with me she can give me support. She has bras down to a science. My daughter was graced with the breasts women pay thousands of dollars for. Where that came from who knows. I believe she was a "C" cup at 13. As we walk through the store my interest wanes. Maybe its my pragmatic side but I never tied my sexuality to pieces of cloth. Itchy uncomfortable pieces of cloth. Thongs. Don't get me started. Tried one on once. Never again. Sex is much better done naked. Buck ass naked.
Erin excitedly goes to work. This is her area. If anyone understands the workings of the female breast it is Erin. The poor child has spent years trying to manipulate fashions meant for waify breastless girls to her perfectly Marilyn Monroesque 50s form. Shes proud of them however and I am proud of her for it. She appreciates what she has. Its sad what society has done to our young girls. Unhealthy weight expectations and an inflated sense of body worth.
Excitedly she finds the "push up" section. As far as In concerned every bra is a push up bra but I guess these are special. We decide to start with the 38 "c" . No lace for me however so we go to the 36 "c" .We get to the fitting rooms and a a Joan Collins look alike clerk helps us. She wants me to have a professional bra fitting. No interest here at all. We ask her for a 38 c and in all her bra knowledge she decides I need a 34 "D". This should work better . She lets us in the dressing room so Erin and my new push up bra can do their work.
What ensues is comedy. As I pull up the sexy black push up bra my body transforms. Not to the perfectly formed zoftic breast look of their 20 something models but a horrific mass of breast and body fat pushed where it does not want to be. Masses of body and breast fat push out of the sides . Erin starts to giggle then laugh. My quiptic daughter remarks that if i had any more lumps I would look like a pregnant cat. Shes right not only do i have 2 large squished masses of breast ,I have 2 more breastlets below each arm pit. As we leave the dressing room Joan Collins glares at us. I have decided "Mardi-Bras" are best left for the young.